so. this blogging thing .....

I dont really get it but I thought i'd give it a try ..... i read that its quite good as a scrapbook; and since my memory is terrible these days, maybe a scrapbook / journal will do me good. its not really in my nature to journal. Ive never really done it. Or kept any kind of consistent diary. This looks good, and it seems to work for other people. maybe it will work for me.
So today, I feel depressed. I dont really know if there is any particular reason. Work is no better or worse than usual, although at the work thing i went to this evening I felt really "less than" which again, is not unusual! i think i am lonely. in fact i dont think that, i know it. its a pain in the arse being lonely because it causes me to act unnecessarily needy, or flirtaceously. Every person i meet seems to be "the one". I've been down that road before and it got be in big trouble. on many occasions but several noteable ones.
I didnt get to a meeting today - so surprise surpise that im not feeling great. Recently Ive been doing pretty much one a day; yesterday i did 2, an early morning and an evening one where I had a commitment. It just reinforces the "day at a time" principle. I cant really keep a "stash" of meetings. "One in the bank" doesnt work. Someone once told me that its a bit like vitamin c - the body cant store it so you need it again on a daily basis. Ha.
I also know I am not using my sponsor properly. I read on someone else's blog yesterday about how the old "im fine" syndrome, and that really applies to me. I find it a lot easier to tell him Im ok than to talk about whats on my mind .... dunno if thats because Im afraid I will get a lecture, or get judged, or get told something I dont want to hear - or even hear myself saying that im not ok. Or a mixture of all of those things. I do, whatever the reason, find it hard.
But the GOOD NEWS is that I am sober! Fucking YEAH!!!!!!!!! Its 10 months and 3 weeks and 2 days. Who'd have thought. Certainly never me. Not this time last year. I was looking through my work calender for this time last year, and remembering what a terrible state I was in, It was just horrible. And to think that even at that stage I was being a glutton for punishment. I KNEW what my condition was, I KNEW i was in trouble. I KNEW because I'd been sober before and relapsed. But I was beyond the point where self knowledge is any good whatsoever. It was totally out of my hands. And this time last year, I still had another 6 weeks of punishment before I asked for help.

So THATS the Good News. I am sober. I am alive. My daughters have their Dad back. My parents have their son back. I have a home. I have a job. I am wearing my lovely pyjamas. My new glasses seem to work! I may be single and sometimes lonely, but I have a Higher Power who loves me. I have a great fellowship around me and am building some wonderful friendships. I may have felt less than tonight, but I also got some genuine smiles from people who were pleased to see me. Today was a good, sober day.

Heres some stuff I found on the web yesterday and today that I liked: (im not sure about etiquette here but I am presuming that its okay to put up stuff i found on other people's sites. isnt that the whole point?! tell me if i am wrong please).



(from a blog. cant remember where. its about choice.)
In fact, you are not your mind. You are responsible for your actions, but many things happen in the thought process before you do take action. For example: when you think, images and options are created. As a result of those images, you get a physical feeling somewhere around your heart.
Whether the feeling is, good or bad, you process it into action, or treat it as a fleeting thought that passes and may be forgotten. So if you have a fleeting evil thought and it passes - should you waste time feeling guilty about it? The natural safeguard for ethical behavior is your heart or "gut feeling." This is the best indicator of wrong or right.
Mankind has the ability to influence the universe, and create different realities, but separating what is sacred, from what is evil, has been a dilemma for thousands of years. The disconnection from your inner self, nature, and God, has led to excessive confusion.

(i did a google on "monkey mind" which is such a great concept, and way to describe the noisy and incessant churning of the unpeaceful mind, and this one came up)
http://www.buddhanet.net/pdf_file/monkeym.pdf

(this is from twodogsblogging which is one of the first blog sites i visited. I really like it).
Courage is fear that's said its prayers
Emboldened by drugs or alcohol, we often had false courage. As we began to recover, many of us had no idea what fear felt like in our bodies. Part of the journey of recovery is identifying feelings like fear and how fear feels in our body. Once we can identify the feeling, we slowly learn how to handle this new emotion.
In our addiction, we never admitted to fear. Our bravado, we believe, may have saved our lives when drinking and using. But in recovery, fear may sometimes become a paralyzing force in our lives. When fear overcomes us, we must remember -- God is bigger than our fears.
Fear may be the catalyst that allows us to develop deeper faith, perhaps because through our questioning we become greater friends with our God. But beyond the fear, keeping faith requires us to ignore fear-based thoughts. Instead, we focus on the broader spiritual truth - that God, if trusted, will provide our every need.
Courage is an action. Even though we may be afraid, with help from our recovery community and our spiritual advisers, we continue to walk forward courageously trusting that God holds our safety net.
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it is that quiet voice at the end of the day that says 'I will try again tomorrow.'"
Mary Anne Radmacher
Posted by twodogsblogging at Saturday, January 06, 2007