musings from the swings and roundabouts ....

SWINGS AND ROUNDABOUTS: This is a shortened version of the fairground proverb 'What you lose on the swings you win on the roundabouts', current from the beginning of the twentieth century in various forms. It is used to mean that things will balance out in the end. Penguin Dictionary of Cliches

Recovery ... insomnia ... fear .....
YEsterday I was full of fear. Dont know what was going on.
Perhaps it was my early start - to get to an early morning meeting!
whatever the case, i went from having an amazing weekend to having a really shitty day yesterday.
I felt nihilistic and self destructive. I didnt want to be at work. I mean, really didnt. I was angry, resentful and bitter (inside). Outside I was perfectly normal.
In a weird act of putting myself first, I used my state of mind to get myself out of work and to a doctors appointment, for which I had a genuine need, and had been putting off (due to work commitments).
On my way to the doctors however, I passed one of the places I used to stop off at to get some alcohol in me, and to wash down some pills. This way pretty much a daily thing.
All of a sudden, that option seemed incredibly attractive. After everything!
Moments like that really catch me out.
The fact is, I kept on going. But it terrifies me that one day I could be caught off guard, and take the opposite choice. The instant gratification, self destructive, easy way out ...shirking responsbility, washing away worry and unease. YOUCH.
Well I got to the docs, got the niggling problem sorted (i hope). But I still felt LIKE SHIT and so I ate it away instead.
Well, I went to be sober anyway .... and woke up this morning even more full of fear. Having overslept, I didnt get to work til 12.00 and all the fear, worry, anxiety and shame came flooding back ....
Me getting in post 12.00, following a 2-3 day dissapearing act on the back of increasingly imaginative excuses.... used to be a regular occurence, and I would get the (quite justified) silent treatment for the people who knew what was going on, who were covering for me, who were doing all the work ....
Well despite today being totally genuine ... oversleeping as a result of insomnia/not feeling great, on my way in i felt really awful, like I was stepping back in time.
Called my sponsor who couldnt talk. So I spoke to a friend in recovery and explained the situation. She laughingly told me not to do other people's thinking for them, that I had nothing to feel fearful or shameful about. She was right.
Funny thing is - when I got in, nobody has really missed me anyway! They had mostly all been in a meeting all morning.
All my worry for nothing.
I had an incredibly productive day, went to a mens meeting in the evening, and now I feel a whole lot better.
Yep. Swings and roundabouts indeed.