the wireless panacea

so this is what my head told me ... "go wireless and everything will be fantastic"
... my home will become a haven of modern techology, with music, sound and vision in every room. Movies on demand, and no more sitting at a desk to surf the net .... it will be great for my recovery, i can surf sober sites and blogs from the couch or my bed ..... blah blah blah.
The good news is that my quick fix of the week wasnt a drink or a drug. This time it was an expensive new laptop and a wireless router .....
Of course after 10 minutes i realised it wasnt going to cure all my problems, but i am happy to have this setup, its very exciting.
Having said that, i havent made it to a meeting in nine days, until today. Saturday. phew. Time to breathe.
In bed for 2 days, off sick from work. Heavy cold. The real deal. (i think) - although still LOADS of guilt, hungover from when my reasons for not going to work werent quite as valid ...... heavy workload, very stressful working environment, visitors to the office from the US, things going on .... kids at the weekend ....
its so easy to let "anything" get in the way of getting to meetings. Makes it worse when they are valid reasons, I am tired, and stress ....
But the point is .... well, I stayed sober. Didnt even contemplate a drink or a drug any more than the usual. But missing meetings like that AINT a good idea for me. I lose my center. I lose perspective. I start snapping at people at work .... stress shows. I go out and buy expensive laptops and wireless routers that i cant afford ....
So going to a meeting today was awesome. i feel centered, balanced, and reconnected. am planning another, possibly 2, tomorrow.
i love recovery, i love AA, i love being sober.
i just need to remind myself that its because of meetings, and putting the work in, and my higher power, that i am in position to love those things, and many more.
i mustnt forget.

Flu, Girls, Headspace ..... and recovery recovery recovery .....

Okay. Flu is a bit of an exageration. But im a guy right? Dont we all turn colds into flu? Mind you I didnt take any time off work. (and I didnt stop smoking either).
Last week was a bit of a whirl in my mind. With the benefit of hindsight, I think I was coming down with something from Monday onwards ....... oversleeping, getting paranoid, worrying ...... sore throat ..... but at least I kept the meetings up quite well. Over the counter cold remedies kept me going ....
And a DATE. an actual date. With a girl?! Cant believe that. And it went really well. And I was a true gent. Despite all my fears and worries and paranoia. (i sometimes think I am just a walking ball of paranoia).
I think I want to see her again as well. And I think she might want to see me again too. I think she might even think that I am a nice guy. I think I might even be starting to believe that myself .... could it be true?
Someone at work resigned today. I am very proud because he is moving on to a better job - and I gave him his first job, 2 years ago, and have been training him up. I am letting him go 2 weeks early, and even helped him negotiate with his new boss to be, and am providing his reference.
Just about a year ago, this dude saw me at close to my worst ever. How things change!
Been doing good meetings. Am particularly into mens meetings at the moment. Dont know why exactly; i am finding an intimacy there that I like.
Got another commitment. In fact, I am sharing it. I put my hand up a millisecond before the other guy, so I suggested we both take it. That felt good.
BUT IM STILL GETTING NOWHERE WITH STEP 4!!!! Asked sponsor to set me a deadline. He wasnt too keen on that. Instead he told me to make diary appointments with myself to do it. ARG.
I also feel like i am in the twilight zone - 11 months and 6 days and 58 minutes!
Why am I hung up on getting a year? I have had a year before and relapsed, so it doesnt mean that much. Is there a pride thing going on? so I can be "over a year" at meetings when you go round the room with sobriety time? Dont even want to think about it. Quality not quantity. My recovery is the best its ever been right now, a day at a time. I keep a one day whie NA keyring on me (with my keys on it, dur.).
Thats enough for me right now.
This time a year ago I was going down down down. And there was further still to go.
That could come back at ANY TIME if I pick up a drink or a drug. Its bloody scary to think that, but I need to keep those thoughts close, so it doesnt sneak up on me and grab me by the balls.
Recovery is so precious and so fragile.
I keep having this dream. In my dream, I relapsed, but didnt tell anyone.
I was in the shower this morning, and the dream was so real I wondered if it actually were true! Thats how little I trust myself.
ARG. One day at a time.
The monkey mind is racing!

musings from the swings and roundabouts ....

SWINGS AND ROUNDABOUTS: This is a shortened version of the fairground proverb 'What you lose on the swings you win on the roundabouts', current from the beginning of the twentieth century in various forms. It is used to mean that things will balance out in the end. Penguin Dictionary of Cliches

Recovery ... insomnia ... fear .....
YEsterday I was full of fear. Dont know what was going on.
Perhaps it was my early start - to get to an early morning meeting!
whatever the case, i went from having an amazing weekend to having a really shitty day yesterday.
I felt nihilistic and self destructive. I didnt want to be at work. I mean, really didnt. I was angry, resentful and bitter (inside). Outside I was perfectly normal.
In a weird act of putting myself first, I used my state of mind to get myself out of work and to a doctors appointment, for which I had a genuine need, and had been putting off (due to work commitments).
On my way to the doctors however, I passed one of the places I used to stop off at to get some alcohol in me, and to wash down some pills. This way pretty much a daily thing.
All of a sudden, that option seemed incredibly attractive. After everything!
Moments like that really catch me out.
The fact is, I kept on going. But it terrifies me that one day I could be caught off guard, and take the opposite choice. The instant gratification, self destructive, easy way out ...shirking responsbility, washing away worry and unease. YOUCH.
Well I got to the docs, got the niggling problem sorted (i hope). But I still felt LIKE SHIT and so I ate it away instead.
Well, I went to be sober anyway .... and woke up this morning even more full of fear. Having overslept, I didnt get to work til 12.00 and all the fear, worry, anxiety and shame came flooding back ....
Me getting in post 12.00, following a 2-3 day dissapearing act on the back of increasingly imaginative excuses.... used to be a regular occurence, and I would get the (quite justified) silent treatment for the people who knew what was going on, who were covering for me, who were doing all the work ....
Well despite today being totally genuine ... oversleeping as a result of insomnia/not feeling great, on my way in i felt really awful, like I was stepping back in time.
Called my sponsor who couldnt talk. So I spoke to a friend in recovery and explained the situation. She laughingly told me not to do other people's thinking for them, that I had nothing to feel fearful or shameful about. She was right.
Funny thing is - when I got in, nobody has really missed me anyway! They had mostly all been in a meeting all morning.
All my worry for nothing.
I had an incredibly productive day, went to a mens meeting in the evening, and now I feel a whole lot better.
Yep. Swings and roundabouts indeed.

JACK BAUER eat your heart out!

A good day. No. a GREAT day.
A simple day, spent with, at different times, my three girls, my parents, a good friend in recovery, and a number of other people's children!
Nothing spectacular happened - but considering what I was doing this time last year ... boy, being sober is spectacular enough.
The day almost ended with me witnessing a nasty argument between my 17 year old and my ex wife when i dropped them off. it was over something really petty.

Dont get me wrong - my relationship with my ex is now really really good. Especially considering we could barely speak a word to each other 6 months ago.
I saw their argument for what it was; I saw both sides. I didnt pass immediate judgement.
However, after a moments thought, I offered my daughter to choice of whether or not she wanted to come back to my place. There was nothing loaded in my offer. No one upmanship whatsoever, and I can honestly, honestly say that.
I was frightened by how the ex would react, but we discussed it calmly, and she was grateful. My daughter came home with me.
Now, the truth is that I didnt think it was appropriate for my daughter to stay in the house in that atmosphere. I believe that my ex overeacted, and she holds grudges. No physical danger, but my daughter would have been emotionally isolated for the night.
However, I didnt cast judgement, I didnt do it for one upmanship, I didnt do it out of anger, or spite. I did it out of love.
Actually my ex was quite pleased with the arrangement.
(And time was, the last thing I wanted was my daughter staying an extra night, because THAT got in the way of my drinking and using).

The icing on the cake, for me, is that after I had cooked her dinner, she was doing homework on the PC, I was watching TV, preparing for the premier of 24, Day 6 - she sheepishly appeared and told me quite unembarrassedly that it was her time of the month and she didnt have the appropriate supplies .... I jumped in the car, drove out and got what she needed ....... well, the fact that a) she was able to talk to and b) that I was able to drive, is an amazing thing in itself.

The hilarious thing (to me) is that when I returned, I settled down again ... 10 minutes to go til 24, and she reappeared, apologetically telling me I had got the wrong kind. WELL I AM A BLOKE AFTER ALL!!!!!
i didnt even think twice. I just got back in the car and went to a different store.
As I left the house she said "sorry Dad", and I replied "you havent got anything to be sorry about".

The long and short of it is, she now has 4 different brands of what she needs (yes, I am still a compulsive...), she is happy, 24 is recorded and waiting for me (Jack Bauer's missions are NOTHING compared to mine!) and I SO SO GRATEFUL for another day of being sober and being present and being emotionally and physically available.

little steps

I took my youngest daughter ice skating today. An outdoor rink outside the natural history museum in Kensington. I was so happy to be able to do it. Its such a (relatively small), normal thing, but it was really important to me because it was keeping a promise I had made 2 weeks ago.
Slowly and patiently, I taught her to skate.
She wanted to rush off on her own immediately, but I encouraged her to hold my hand.
It was wonderful.
I heard myself saying, over and over again ...
"you can still go fast if you move your feet slowly" ......
Eventually the significance of what I was saying hit me! Nothing too deep, nothing too profound, but very apt, especially for me. At the moment. In the moment. A day at a time .....

Stuck In A Moment

"you can never get enough
Of what you don't really need"

Im not the words biggest U2 fan by any means. I respect what they do, and I like some of their stuff. I heard this song on the radio today. One lyric in particular really struck me .. the one above. It really rings true for me. I can never, ever, ever, get enough. I have heard alcoholism described as the disease of more .... that's also pretty true for me. My sponsor doesnt like to over analyse - he says "once an addict always an addict". However, I've also heard him talking about his (previous) attitiute - "one is good, two is better!" and that kind of makes me laugh as I SOOOOOOO understand that - particularly as a recovering valium addict.
So I went to this lecture yesterday; it was a free lecture by a treatment center in London. It was billed as a lecture on the relationship between sex addiction and chemical relapse, although actually it ended up being a pretty straight "nature of addition" lecture with a section on sex at the end. It was really good. He talked a lot about the relationship between recovery and reality.
The striking quote I took away was "If reality is your friend, your recovery is in good shape" (or words to that effect). I liked it, although I got a bit depressed because he was talking a lot about acceptance of mortality and death, and the fact that we seek oblivion (or a state of being oblivious) partly to ignore those realities. Yikes. Heavy stuff.
Well my girls are here tonight. Very happy about that. In their PJ's I gave them for Christmas. What I feel really happy about is that I KNOW that they feel safe and cosy here. How cool is that? Very, very grateful for that.
But back to the quote above - it is so true, in that that is what I can BELIEVE as an addict, although in reality the opposite it true. I need to have faith that I will get enough of what I need. I need to be able to differentiate and to want what I have before I start wanting things I dont really need ........

who me?

Ambivalence - yes and no!

So here's the thing I learned today about being in a state of ambivalence - my interpretation, is that I can know what I need to do, and yet not be able to get the necessary UMPH to do it.
That means for example that I can be feeling like shit, know what I need to do in order to not feel like shit, yet not be able to motivate myself to do it.
Is that laziness? Sloth? The opposite of self care? Is it the emodiement of "faith without works is dead"?
For example, knowing that writing a step 10 down about something will make me feel INFINITELY BETTER, yet simply not doing it. Whats that all about?
Here's what Wikipedia says:
"Ambivalence is a state of having emotions in contradiction, when those emotions are related to the same object, idea or person (for example, feeling both love and hatred for someone or something). The term is also commonly used to refer to situations where 'mixed feelings' of a more general sort are experienced or where a person feels uncertainty or indecisiveness concerning something."

Mixed feelings? Uncertainty? Indecisiveness (one of today's Two Pests!). That's me! C'est moi.
But it actually goes a lot further than that.

Well, today I took action. I shared something painful with a friend. I phoned my sponsor and shared it with him. I was honest with him and I asked him questions about acceptance.

As ever, he related it all back to character defects, acceptance, wilfullness, Step 4 & Step 10. Which is totally right. And am I ambivalent about it? No. Decisive action. I just ripped up someones phone number who is potentially harmful to my recover. My peace of mind.

Do I overthink things?

YES!

the difference between react and respond is 2 seconds

this was in a new article I read, about something totally different, but yet so fitting sometimes. I have heard different versions of this around. I like it.

"rushed to judgment and repented at leisure,"

Dont cry over sour milk!

So I went to my aftercare meeting tonight. Was a good group but I felt awkard because a girl was there who I'd asked out before Christmas and it didnt work out .... its a small intimate group and I shouldnt have done it I know. Now its embarrassing for both of us. Oh well. You live and you learn.
I bought a pint of milk on my way home. My tea didnt taste great so I swigged some milk direct from the bottle. IT WAS SOUR. I cant believe it. And the thing that really annoys me is that the people in the shop MUST have known. The expiry date was today/tomorrow. And there were only two pints in the fridge. I reckon they put there almost expired stuff there to get rid of it.
Of course that could just be my paranoia .....
Phoned my sponsor. Answerphone. At least I called him.
My PC is a bit screwed. I get logged off about once every ten minutes. Its driving me BANANAS! I've checked the firewall, reinstalled the ISP software, run about 100 diagnostics... its well annoying. Need to deal.
I dealt with some hard work issues today in a way which I believe was honourable, kind, and just. It involved other people, their finger pointing, their issue - THEIR SHIT. I tried to concentrate on keeping my side of the street clean, let stuff go, prayed for them this morning, and prayed to my HP before the meeting to guide me.
I came out of it feeling OK.
Grateful grateful grateful to be sober today. Grateful that my youngest daughter told my oldest daughter that I am taking her ice skating at the weekend (which I promised last time I was with her). Im not sure why I am grateful, but I am. I feel very happy about it.
Grateful for my dental appointment tomorrow (I have an ever worsening toothache). Grateful that my life is becoming manageable enough to get a dental appointment before it becomes a CRYING emergency like it was last time.
Grateful that some words from my experience that I gave to a friend today were of some use.

feeling less than .....

less than! psychologically profound - but we can find anything in inkspots right, so what about simple mathematical diagrams ........
there's the dog with bone on the right.
so guess where I feel like I fit?

so. this blogging thing .....

I dont really get it but I thought i'd give it a try ..... i read that its quite good as a scrapbook; and since my memory is terrible these days, maybe a scrapbook / journal will do me good. its not really in my nature to journal. Ive never really done it. Or kept any kind of consistent diary. This looks good, and it seems to work for other people. maybe it will work for me.
So today, I feel depressed. I dont really know if there is any particular reason. Work is no better or worse than usual, although at the work thing i went to this evening I felt really "less than" which again, is not unusual! i think i am lonely. in fact i dont think that, i know it. its a pain in the arse being lonely because it causes me to act unnecessarily needy, or flirtaceously. Every person i meet seems to be "the one". I've been down that road before and it got be in big trouble. on many occasions but several noteable ones.
I didnt get to a meeting today - so surprise surpise that im not feeling great. Recently Ive been doing pretty much one a day; yesterday i did 2, an early morning and an evening one where I had a commitment. It just reinforces the "day at a time" principle. I cant really keep a "stash" of meetings. "One in the bank" doesnt work. Someone once told me that its a bit like vitamin c - the body cant store it so you need it again on a daily basis. Ha.
I also know I am not using my sponsor properly. I read on someone else's blog yesterday about how the old "im fine" syndrome, and that really applies to me. I find it a lot easier to tell him Im ok than to talk about whats on my mind .... dunno if thats because Im afraid I will get a lecture, or get judged, or get told something I dont want to hear - or even hear myself saying that im not ok. Or a mixture of all of those things. I do, whatever the reason, find it hard.
But the GOOD NEWS is that I am sober! Fucking YEAH!!!!!!!!! Its 10 months and 3 weeks and 2 days. Who'd have thought. Certainly never me. Not this time last year. I was looking through my work calender for this time last year, and remembering what a terrible state I was in, It was just horrible. And to think that even at that stage I was being a glutton for punishment. I KNEW what my condition was, I KNEW i was in trouble. I KNEW because I'd been sober before and relapsed. But I was beyond the point where self knowledge is any good whatsoever. It was totally out of my hands. And this time last year, I still had another 6 weeks of punishment before I asked for help.

So THATS the Good News. I am sober. I am alive. My daughters have their Dad back. My parents have their son back. I have a home. I have a job. I am wearing my lovely pyjamas. My new glasses seem to work! I may be single and sometimes lonely, but I have a Higher Power who loves me. I have a great fellowship around me and am building some wonderful friendships. I may have felt less than tonight, but I also got some genuine smiles from people who were pleased to see me. Today was a good, sober day.

Heres some stuff I found on the web yesterday and today that I liked: (im not sure about etiquette here but I am presuming that its okay to put up stuff i found on other people's sites. isnt that the whole point?! tell me if i am wrong please).



(from a blog. cant remember where. its about choice.)
In fact, you are not your mind. You are responsible for your actions, but many things happen in the thought process before you do take action. For example: when you think, images and options are created. As a result of those images, you get a physical feeling somewhere around your heart.
Whether the feeling is, good or bad, you process it into action, or treat it as a fleeting thought that passes and may be forgotten. So if you have a fleeting evil thought and it passes - should you waste time feeling guilty about it? The natural safeguard for ethical behavior is your heart or "gut feeling." This is the best indicator of wrong or right.
Mankind has the ability to influence the universe, and create different realities, but separating what is sacred, from what is evil, has been a dilemma for thousands of years. The disconnection from your inner self, nature, and God, has led to excessive confusion.

(i did a google on "monkey mind" which is such a great concept, and way to describe the noisy and incessant churning of the unpeaceful mind, and this one came up)
http://www.buddhanet.net/pdf_file/monkeym.pdf

(this is from twodogsblogging which is one of the first blog sites i visited. I really like it).
Courage is fear that's said its prayers
Emboldened by drugs or alcohol, we often had false courage. As we began to recover, many of us had no idea what fear felt like in our bodies. Part of the journey of recovery is identifying feelings like fear and how fear feels in our body. Once we can identify the feeling, we slowly learn how to handle this new emotion.
In our addiction, we never admitted to fear. Our bravado, we believe, may have saved our lives when drinking and using. But in recovery, fear may sometimes become a paralyzing force in our lives. When fear overcomes us, we must remember -- God is bigger than our fears.
Fear may be the catalyst that allows us to develop deeper faith, perhaps because through our questioning we become greater friends with our God. But beyond the fear, keeping faith requires us to ignore fear-based thoughts. Instead, we focus on the broader spiritual truth - that God, if trusted, will provide our every need.
Courage is an action. Even though we may be afraid, with help from our recovery community and our spiritual advisers, we continue to walk forward courageously trusting that God holds our safety net.
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it is that quiet voice at the end of the day that says 'I will try again tomorrow.'"
Mary Anne Radmacher
Posted by twodogsblogging at Saturday, January 06, 2007